Parenting — Questions We Hear Most

What Strategies Work for a Whining Child?

Proverbs 16:32 — "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city."

The goal of all discipline is for our kids to learn to "rule their own spirit." We are actually being merciful by disciplining consistently. No one likes a brat — and if you take one out in public or send one to school, your child will be the one who pays for your lack of self-control as a parent. There are plenty of things to take away for bad behavior at any age — use what fits the child in front of you.

What Do We Do When Bedtime Is an Ordeal?

I (Dad) had showdowns with all of my kids on this. Here is the full discipline cycle: Explain — leave for a minute — return to comfort — reiterate the standard — then repeat the process as many times as you need to. It is important for children not to win, even when they are small. This can be a heart-wrenching process, but you are doing what is best for your child.

Remember — we discipline our children so that they can rule themselves, not just to control them or keep them from embarrassing us in public (both are bad reasons for discipline). The pattern comes from God, who has perfect reasons to discipline us — whereas as parents, we do the best we can. Hebrews 12 is probably the most instructive passage on right discipline — read it!

Sometimes I Get So Angry With My Kids. What Can I Do?

Righteous anger is not wrong — unrighteous anger is useless and can be harmful. James 1:20 should always guide your motivation and actions when disciplining your kids.

Burnadette adds: affection, affection, affection. God's discipline will always come from love — not from frustration.

The best strategy is to never indulge anger born from frustration. Always take a moment, take a breath, and give a measured response to your child — even when you feel everything is spinning out of control. Send a child to their room (or separate yourself to gain perspective) — get control over your emotions — and then deal with the situation. Getting good at this is a huge part of parenting in a way that teaches your kids self-control, without feeding them an example of your own bad self-control.

We suggest putting a simple chart on the fridge where you can give a child a red star (bad behavior) and a silver star (good behavior) to be reviewed when Dad gets home. This allows relief for the daytime caregiver and instills a greater sense of responsibility in your children as they grow.

How Do We Bring Spiritual Disciplines Into Our Home?

This is something best worked on early in a relationship. Remember — the way each of you submits personally to God is the spiritual discipline your children will "catch" from you. Not always what we say, but what we do!

Being on the same page takes discussion, prayer, and intentionality. Ask yourselves: What do you want the spiritual outcomes in your family to be? What atmosphere do you want in how you treat each other? What are the core values of your home?

Some helpful resources from the workbook: Day 19 (Teaching Self-Control and Family Values), Day 20 (Developing Character), Day 21 (Developing Love).

How Do We Maintain Some Sanity — and Quality — in Our Time Together as a Family?

There are so many activities sending us in so many directions — and it is only getting worse.

Dad and Mom and the dinner table. As often as possible — at least 5 out of 7 days — expect your family to share a meal together. Meal time should be more about connecting than eating. Train your kids to plan on 45-60 minutes for the process. Ask each child to share one story from their day, helping children of different ages engage and be patient with the whole family (this can be particularly challenging with preteens and teens).

One approach that works well: a "tech hour" that follows homework and chores and comes before dinner. Then all devices go away — for everyone. You can use the tech hour as a reward for dinner participation, but be consistent in how you administer it.

After stories, Mom and Dad can each share one way they saw God in their day — including Scripture where appropriate. We used the book of Proverbs, selecting a chapter depending upon the day of the month (31 chapters, 31 days). Over the years we each had our favorites, and it gave us plenty of material for values and world-view conversations.

With young children (1–6 years or so), regular reading with Dad — from age-appropriate spiritual books — can be huge in making spiritual connections for the family.

How Do We Keep On Top of What's Happening With Our Multiple Children?

One thing about family life is that things are always changing. In order to be proactive rather than reactive, we must be intentional about assessing where each family member is on the growth continuum — not just physical growth, but emotional and spiritual growth as well.

The workbook's Day 17 (Your Child's Changing Needs) can be helpful in defining individualized strategies for helping each child to the next level.

How Do My Husband and I Stay On the Same Page When It Comes to the Kids?

Several times each week, conversation should happen apart from the kids. They should be in bed or in their rooms at reasonable times so that the end of the day can be used purposefully for the welfare of the family. It is unrealistic to think spiritual connection will happen without intentionality.

Spiritual connection is really quite simple. If a wife is connecting with God through her own prayer and reading life, she will have spiritual things to contribute to her husband. The same is true of a man. When God is the "third person" in a relationship, everyone flourishes.

Selfishness robs us of this — and humility is the key to disarming self-centered patterns. We are easily trapped into competing rather than strengthening. What does it take for you to be on the same page? The workbook's Day 22 (Family Action Planning) can help.